there is never enough time

It’s 2:30am and I cannot sleep.. Again.
The wonderful charity ‘Crossroads’ has given us a night nurse two nights a week to look after Pema whilst me and Mr Man get our much needed rest and tonight is one of those nights, so a lady angel is downstairs right now Pema in her arms and I can’t sleep.
It started with pain, I have constant back bone pain and with this damp weather I’m really suffering at night and evenings. I’m very unhappy curled up and crying with a hot heated pad pressed up against my back and lots of extra morphine on tap. It’s been keeping me awake but now those pain killers have really kicked in, I’ve taken three lots tonight and I have no excuse left I just can’t sleep.
Therefore, the perfect opportunity to write a new post, I’ve been horribly lazy since I got home. I don’t know where the time goes, I try everyday to do things but only get about a third or less done than I ever used to. But I feel constantly busy and wishing I could just rest and take time out.
Today I visited my acupuncturist. I haven’t seen him since before I got ill when he was treating me for fatigue and sickness due to the pregnancy. He asked me not to tell him the details but set about doing a one hour pulse reading (he reads about 50 different pulses in my wrists to assess the energy flow throughout my body). His major finding was than my Yin and Yang were in chaos (separating in fact, - bad news), very agitated and my digestive system was running on empty meaning I’m virtually unable to absorb all the necessary nutrients from the food I need. He knew of course I have cancer, I‘d told him so over the phone and my bald head provided the news I’m undergoing chemo. But his pulse reading does not tell him specifics of the disease merely how my body is or is not functioning. For instance he can tell me that he does not believe the cancer was caused by over load of toxins, a common cause but in my case more likely due to emotional traumas (oh yes I’m sure he is right, the last few years have been an emotional overload). I can’t confess to understanding his diagnosis completely, but I trust him. He works with a winning combination of acupuncture and Chinese herbs and gave me some of each today. When I went to pay he said ‘No’. We had a bizarre money haggle, where I protested and told him he couldn’t and he said of course he could, and I offered half and he refused. He wants to give me treatment for free, he said it would be an honour to help me fight cancer and I burst into tears. It’s not a secret that money is very tight right now and this was one luxury I really could not afford, his kindness was overwhelming.
I’ve been so blessed with help in the money way lately:
Another beautiful friend has paid up front for a large number of yoga lessons, and my teacher comes for free to my house and teaches me in my living room so I don’t have to travel. I now have a daily practice which I wish everyone could have it is so relaxing and strengthening.
McMillan trust have an application which I hope will be accepted for a weekly swimming time. The only pool open in the winter here in this town is a local hotel pool, indoor, warm very posh with sauna. You can rent the whole pool and sauna to yourself for one hour for only eight pounds. Not much but in my current financial climate again too much of a luxury so I’m applying for a grant.
Another grant has been put forward by my social worker to a charity that pays for families where a parent is terminally ill to go on a trip of a lifetime. I’ve asked to take my family to the Eden Project, always a dream of mine and to stay in a very swish hotel nearby which boasts a spa, indoor and outdoor swimming pools, saunas etc and babysitting. The idea being the kiddiewinks, Mr man and I enjoy the delights of the Eden Project during the day, and once they are tucked up in bed (lucky me they are asleep by 7pm) Mr Man and I enjoy the spa, swimming, and a candle lit meal for two over two nights. Sounds to good to be true.
You know all of this? It makes cancer sound good!
Almost…
Well the Eden Project and the local swimming are still in the pipeline, but next week is half term and my two eldest shall be away visiting their daddy and auntie so Mr Man and I will take up the offer of a local Journey practitioner to be his case study and go for some emotional healing. Not quite sure how we shall juggle Pema but babies travel so I’m sure we’ll manage.
Wow I’ve written too much again, I do babble on, and now it’s past three in the morning. Time to try sleep again methinks.
Just a note to say apologies to all those trying to visit, I hear you - I’m just inundated with doctor visits etc.
Here is my run down: I’m still trying to get to the bottom of my eldest daughters tummy upsets and her residual Guillan Barre pains so for that we had an ultra sound scan today (all clear). Pema needs weekly check ups still from the local health visitor and today we had the monthly check up at the hospital (again all well). I have appointments with psychologist, pain management, oncologist, chemo, blood letting, scans, benefits advisors (twice weekly until it’s all sorted), re-enablement team, solicitor, social workers and McMillan nurses… my life is too filled. I can bear a visit for about an hour when I have the time and then I tire, I’m exhausted. The house is a pigsty because there is just no energy to set it straight so if you really really insist bring me a pack lunch (and be kind and ignore the state of the house) or take me out to the local café for lunch and stay an hour and please please please understand. I can’t entertain, no money and no energy. I have very little time to myself (it will get better it’s just there is so much to sort out right now) and although I’d love to see everyone my social life is at almost zero right now as all spare energy is lovingly and happily given straight to the kids.
Ok sob and poor me over and out,
Much love xxx

The cancer is shrinking!!!

Well the results came back,and the chemo/prayers/diet/nutrition/phytoplanktum/everything is working!! the chemo is shrinking.
wow
I went in ready to hear the worst, well as ready as you can be. I thought he'd tell me it had spread to an organ or something. But no, not even 'it's the same' but better than that "It's shrinking"!!!
Suddenly I feel I really can believe this can be turned around. I have in fact turned around and am now heading in the right direction.
Very very exciting.
I've had my third batch of chemo, so only two to go (I'll be done by Christmas!) which explains why it's been so quiet on the blogging front. I reduced the chemo to 80%, still staying off the steroids and that's what made life a bit better. I've still been bed ridden since Tuesday but no where near as bad as last time. Maybe -or definitely- the good news helped! Tomorrow I reckon I'll be up again and we plan a lovely weekend with the children. They are amazing these children, so much love from them every day. They bounce home from school and sit with me on the sofa and tell me what's been going on. Mr Man has been doing all the parenting jobs this week, attending the school harvest festival, picking them up and cooking with them. Taking them to the parks and play play play. He has been and is amazing. Life seems once more in balance, and manageable and positive. So much to look forward to!
well I'm going to slope off to bed, had to get up for more solicitor talk sigh I wish that side of things could just leave me alone, especially during chemo week.. but I can look forward to the weekend now, blue skies ahead!
much love to all, Honey xxx

chemo sucks

Really, chemo sucks or the bone strengthening biphosphanates or whatever cocktail I'm getting pumped into me every three weeks.. I spent five days writhing in bed. Freezing cold one minute, boiling hot the next, bed covers felt like fire my skin felt like it was crawling on the inside. I could not talk, think, do anything. Food and drink made my mouth want to spit so I lived on air for a while. I could not help with anything. Completely bedridden I could not help with the night feeds or my other two babes.
This week I feel like I have a major hangover and am grumpy and tired in recovery.
I've had some GORGEOUS presents which have made me smile and kept me and my baby beautifully pampered. Everything from organic baby grows, lotions and potions, vouchers, nature mobiles, dresses for Pema, yoga lessons, beautiful necklace, lovely head scarves for me (did I mention I'm bald as a coot?) and so forth. I am wracked with guilt that I have not the energy nor the ability to do the proper thank yous to everyone concerned. My cousin in Canada even made me a lovely handwoven shawl I'm just hoping she and all concerned are reading this and hear the THANK YOU and understand.. and thank you to Gen for the books and the enema kit(!). I'm reading more and more about the Gerson technique and am thinking if the doctor says the chemo will only buy me a couple more months at the most, I'd rather just stop and get on with the Gerson therapy.
For that I reckon the house in Belgium would need to be sold, I'll need tens of thousands of pounds, ack none of this is easy.
There have been highlights, lovely presents being one, a weekly reflexology massage for free being another. Having started custom made yoga which I now do ten minutes morning and night fills me with great peace. I'm trying to resist the negativity, push away the fears of dying and concentrate on believing I can I will and I must recover.
The children a delight as always, cover me with kisses. Mr Man is looking withdrawn and exhausted, my mother has taken over half the night shifts with the babies is also worn out. But every day there is always something to smile about, the children help with that and the love, the love is enormous.
x

Bristol Cancer Center is wonderful. I hope to post a photo of me and one of the original founders together soon. In a group of twelve people all with various types and various stages of cancer (one even recently given the all clear Hooray!!!) I had plenty of chances to bemoan my condition, compare notes and basically wallow in the whole cancer issues, all the hopes and desires and all the fears and grief. We had music therapy -lots of banging of loud instruments VERY much fun-and art therapy. We met with a nutritionist, a doctor, a psychologist and had a lot of group activities. We also ate extremely well according to the Bristol anti cancer diet which seems to be mainly hard core vegan, with fish and eggs aloud, no salt, smoked foods, and some other variants I still have to get my head around. The library was fantastic, all cancer related from every angle, hundreds of books I had to tear myself away.
Basically I came away with a plan which is what I went for. To try to beat the cancer through a radical change in diet, many (expensive sigh) supplements, emotional therapy through journey work and counselling, physical work though Yoga and Chi Gong, and the conventional chemo and any other drug they throw at me..
I have chemo tomorrow and I'm scared stiff, it just erodes me, hard to explain but my body feels like it is being beaten up from the inside out. I think the heavy doses of morphine I'm on do not help the way I feel at the moment.
But the bright stars on the scene, my children are there every day bringing immense pleasure and love. Pema is home, with her I feel a healing touch her presence has just closed the void in our home and we are whole again. It has been terribly tough without her. My other two bundles of joy are so very very happy to have her in our home and did not want to leave her to go to school today and only the promise of meeting them at school with Pema in tow placated them enough to go.
If you are wondering about the deleted post, I got what I needed from it, am very grateful to my friends.. and to those of you who commented for your advise, now I have to work out how to pay some rather important bills since my alimony has been slashed to less than half without warning or explanation but at least I have the help I need to fight my case. I don't know what I've done to deserve this but as has been pointed out that's another blog.

bristol cancer center

hi, I'm at the Bristol Cancer Help Center and it is wonderful and I'm at the end of the day and need to sleep so I shall start by uploading some photos from last week.. this week BIG changes.. I have a shaved head!!! Looking strange I shock myself every time I catch a glimpse in the mirror. But here, I'm meeting people with similar issues, eating the most wonderful vegan food, getting spiritual healing, shiatsu massage, gentle exercises, discussions and tomorrow I have an individual appointment with a nutritionist, a doctor and a psychotherapist.. lots on. Tomorrow is only day two of five.

Being here is helping me realise what is ahead of me and what I need to do. It's a holistic approach the way I see it. I need to fight this cancer by building up my immune system with excellent nutrition, excercise, emotional healing (when you are depressed, worried etc, you are weaker), and spiritual growth. I also need to get rid of my toxins, and not take on any more. So deep cleansing the mind body and spirit and watch what goes in.. but more on this later..

Photos are of the kids, my mother and Pema. Pema will probably be home after next weekend which is super exciting. Ok I need to run away and sleep, will update another time xxx

catch up time

sunshine, outside, children laughing, river glistening and Mr Man with his socks and shoes off paddling in the water head thrown back laughing out loud. Friends close by, a couple of them playing guitar and singing together.. happy days, me crying through my smiles because I don't want it to end and I want to live and I'm afraid so cold and afraid that I'm not strong enough. The pain is there all the time and it finds new areas of my body to invade. I have so much pressure on all sides, forms to fill in for benefits, people to meet doctors, social workers, physios, therapists. An ex husband who sends a letter from the solicitor asking me for divorce asking me to say I was the adulterer (I know, astonishingly hurtful considering the truth) which means I now need a solicitor, problems because my laptop was stolen when our car was broken into all my children photos gone, my online banking with Belgium gone.. at the same time my post which was being sent here from Belgium by the post office that service ran out whilst I was in hospital so now I have bills mounting up and no idea what they are, moan moan moan. I have more than your average money worries, forms to fill in things to sort.. but my children are great. They hug and kiss me all the time, they snuggle down with me in the night creeping into my bed. We play games, paint pictures, read stories. Pema is still in hospital but she is adorable really fattening up looking great, looking like a 'real' baby. She has the lungs strong enough to make a proper cry now and she shouts when we put her down and nuzzles us mewing contently when we pick her up.
Some more good news. Bristol Cancer Center a place for alternative therapies has granted me a free space next week. Because of my situation I don't have to pay a bean and I get to have the most amazing treatments such as reflexology, massage, art and music therapy, counselling, nutrition advice, etc. etc. and accommodation and good food for five days Sunday evening. Apart from it taking me away from my kids I cannot wait. And the children will be well taken care of by the excellent Mr Man and his willing assistant , my mother the Grandiose Grandma.
that's all for now folks.. will answer all your good questions later and hope to add some photos to this post soon.. so keep your eyes peeled xxx

home again home again jiggedy jig

It's been about ELEVEN weeks.
Eleven weeks away from home, away from the kids away from normality.
Eleven weeks in an institution eating bad food, drugs by the hour, hospital beds and injections from nurses.
I'm HOME. Home where marrows are growing in the garden and tomatoes fill the window sill, home where mismatched pillows welcome me on my worn out couch and familiar shoes sit in the porch.
The little 'uns one and two arrive home tomorrow brought by Mr Man who has about an 8 hour round trip to fetch them. They are terribly excited, counting the nights sleep as am I. I'm most looking forward to being waken up in the morning at some unearthly hour by hot little bodies burrowing under the covers to kiss me awake.
It's been harder than I thought this return journey. I spent the first day in between laughter and tears. Leaving Pema behind in the hospital felt so wrong although after a blood transfusion scare she is now doing brilliantly is over 2 kgs and out of her incubator and into a cot.. Coming home felt like facing the diagnosis again. Conventional treatment is almost had it's fill, and no I've not quite been sent 'home to die' but really as far as the doctors are concerned I've been given my sentence of between 9 mths and 2 years to live and 2 months of it have been spent in the hospital the rest I get to live out at home.
I intend to prove the wrong, I believe with a mix of psychological and dietary changes and support I could get more, a LOT more. Test case if you like, watch this space. I'm now fully aware that NOW is my time. My time to work on me, the alternative route is what I have left.
So far the Gerson therapy (an intensive very vegan diet with hourly fresh juices and many enemas a day) and the 'Journey' aka Brandon Bays an emotional therapy which kicks deep. I cannot start the Gerson therapy until I have finished chemo, so at the moment I'm reading as much as I can on the subject and working out how to afford the juicer (I've tracked down a second hand one at 800 uk pounds ouch which I'm considering ). The journey work is something I can start almost immediately with help from my Mr Man. I have the money left over from your generosity readers for Trish's visit but have been considering sponsorship.. well this is the only life I have. If I ask a newspaper to follow the story you can see the appeal.. young mother of three gets a life sentence from cancer and goes to prove the doctors wrong... they get the story and photos, I get the treatment ... alternative cancer cures get highlighted and tested out. Not my usual style, I prefer to remain anonymous and live my life accordingly but I need help here. There are clinics and workshops I'd like to attend never mind the equipment such as the juicer etc. I need to buy. So what do you reckon, do I proffer up my story, sell my soul for cash?!!
Just thinking about it now, I want to give this every chance I've got and at the moment it's only the filthy lucre standing in the way but it'll probably amount to tens of thousands of ponds in total so.. a life worth saving, a life worth begging for?
Enough about that, it's great to me home. My mother has arrived, my two adorables will join me soon and Pema ensconced not too too far away is doing well. For now, each day as it is is just right.
xxx